Monday, July 25, 2011

When someone listens....

This has been a hard year for me. I'm not old...forty-four.  But this past year has hit me with the realization that I am no longer the young mother....but the middle aged one.  I'm past the age of women I thought were really moving on when my children were babies. Things hurt that shouldn't be hurting.  Was that my knee making that noise?

Sleep is something you don't expect when your children are little, but what is going on now?  I think John is tired of me saying, " Is it hot in here?"  It's just not what he expects from someone who has slept with socks on year round for as long as he can remember.

I can't see either...not that I ever had good vision, but now even contacts and reading glasses don't always do the any typos you see...I'm chalking them up to age.

Even considering how I'm changing physically, the hardest thing for me this year has been redefining my role in life.  Two of my children are in college.  One moved into her own apartment this summer and will likely never live at home again. My youngest is driving. It's not that the things I always did aren't important like listening and nurturing, because I know they are.  They are just taking different forms and they just simply don't take up as much time.  That leaves me a lot of time on my hands.

I've filled my time with finally getting projects done that I've wanted to do for many years and there are still plenty waiting for me. So now the house isn't turned upside down as much and maybe the dishes are all done before we go to bed, but it has been a struggle to find meaningful ways to fill the time I have. I've made some mistakes this year, taken on things that really aren't important to me and I've regretted it. I have to stay focused on what has always been the priority list in my life no matter how much time there is to fill.

So many times, it is just lonely.  I'm not as needed from moment to moment as I used to be.  And I get frustrated when I can't physically do what I used to do. It was a day like this that I said to my husband, John, as he walked out the door for work..."I'm just so down lately." He had to time to talk.  And I knew that.  It was okay.  I didn't really say it expecting a conversation, it was just a statement. It was me expressing what I felt and feeling that no one, including myself, really understood.

This is what he brought home,

He listened. 

The flowers were beautiful, but the love was overwhelming. It was just what I needed. I knew he was with me no matter what.... 

 It was the beginning of a summer of redefinition.  As fall moves toward me with gathering speed, I'm cherishing every moment of this summer and the wonderful, most blessed life that I've been given. I'm working to find new meaningful ways to spend my time.

This blog has given me a voice and I am finding I have a lot to say.  I've never been a journaling type person, but I am finding I really enjoy this medium.  I really don't expect anyone to read, but if they do and they feel just one bit better or not so alone because they can relate to a shared experience, then the time is all worth it.

And maybe my children will figure out that their mom isn't really crazy after all!

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